____tear my heart open; i sew myself shut

Friday, December 17, 2004

i think my life is the most boring thing on earth! im bored. its the hols. and im bored! get it?! im bored broke and tired, lame insane and lonely. ugh. i don't feel christmassy. whie? cause i gotta train everyday and guess what?! christmas is just next WEEK! wow. time does fly. its sickening. maybe its my fault that i don't excite my life? but what can i do? shop? there's nothing nice. i'm sick of shopping at orchard. i need to do something else. what happen to all the good old fun times! i totally have nothing to do. and when i do? i'm just feeling too tired to do anything. bahhh. i need something to occupy my day! but i feel tired after training and training is EVERYDAY! freak. sighhh. i need a REAL holiday where i don't have to worry bout what time i wake up what time i gotta run off. but yet again. when i'm home i'm bored. great! just great. its all my problem. maybe i cause all my problems?! ughs. i don't feel like doing anything but yet i wanna do something. darn it! whats wrong with me. maybe i should indulge myself with books. yeah that'll keep me busy. -slaps myself. sigh. where the hell is everyone?! they're like not here anymore. its like poof! dissapear.

sighs. christmas christmas christmas. im not celebrating the real reason of christmas! ): it was the day our savior was born! but what am i celebrating it for?? the presents and gifts and joy and sharing. man i feel selfish. been thinking loads today. and i thank God for what i have. i have a family friends a shelter over my head. i don't have a missing limb or disfigured body. and i really thank God for it. i don't know what i'll do without my parents. i love them loads! although they do nah at me so much. i take them for granted. and it is gonna stop. i'm not gonna envy anyone anymore. i'm gonna stay true to myself. i'm not gonna follow the crowd. be my own person.

{ tear my heart open }
11:33 pm